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[Episode 3] [Episode 4] [Episode 7] [Episode 8]
Episode 3
Adam: You're telling me all I need to do to get my first conviction is win over one beautiful woman. [grins and straightens tie] Jeffrey, if I can do that drunk, I can certainly do it sober!
Jeffrey: You, Sullivan, are not a tough nut to crack. You are a very easy nut. You are a peanut.
[Ana laughs]
Adam: Well, I'm unsalted.
[Jeffrey just stares blankly.]
Adam: Get it, insulted, unsalted...
Jeffrey: Once again! Playing to the grandmothers! Grandmas love puns!
[Jeffrey turns on his heel and leaves]
Adam: You're nuts not to love that joke!
[Holds arm up in the air]
Adam: Thank you!
Ana: Maybe you should stop hitting on Susan and start dating her grandma.
[Adam looks at Ana.]
Adam: Thank you, but I don't think I'll be dating any grandmas.
Ana: Sophia Loren's a grandma. She's pretty hot.
Jeffrey: Raquel Welch. Spectacular.
Wally: Oh God. Let's not forget Angela Lansbury.
[Everyone looks like they're going to choke on their
coffee.]
Wally: Angela Lansbury? Murder She Wrote!
[Makes a face]
Adam: You know what? I'll take Sophia Loren.
During jury selection:
[Elderly woman is on the stand]
Adam: So you'd feel comfortable serving on this trial for up to a week even though your 3 grandchildren would have to give up your delicious oatmeal raisin cookies?
[Smiles sweetly]
Elderly woman: Yes, dear.
Episode 4
Adam: This wedding is perfect. Susan’s gonna forget what I do for a living and get to see the real Adam. You know the fun-loving, charming guy who took swing dance lessons at the 92nd-Street Y and looks great in a tux.
Owen: You do.
Adam: Thank you.
Owen: Thank you? Would it kill you to return the compliment?
[Owen whirls around in his chauffeur’s outfit. Adam just looks at him.]
Marco: Adam!
Adam: Marco!
Marco: Oh, this must be the Frank everyone’s talking about. Good for you.
[Marco tries to give Adam an approving tap on the shoulder, but Agent Gilmore grabs his arm midway.]
Agent Gilmore: You got a problem with my man here? Touch him again, and I’ll give you the taser.
Marco: Whoa! You’re a jealous one, aren’t you?
Adam: No, no he’s not. It’s not like that. There was a threat on my life, and Agent Gilmore was assigned to protect me.
Marco: Oh, I get it. Like Kevin and Whitney in The Bodyguard. Sweet. Hey, who was that blonde you were talking to over there?
Agent Gilmore: Susan Rakoff: Legal Aide Lawyer. Status: Single
Marco: [Grins] Status: Interested.
[Marco walks off leaving an astounded Adam alone with Agent Gilmore.]
Adam: What the hell was that? Now you’re setting him up with Susan?
Agent Gilmore: What do you care? You don’t even like that woman!
Adam: Uh, actually, yes I do.
Agent Gilmore: No you don’t. She is the enemy.
Adam: Agent Gilmore, I think I know when I like a woman.
Agent Gilmore: Well, you could have fooled me. I read people for a living, and 17 years in law enforcement tells me two things. 1: you do not like that girl. 2: you do not have a balloon of heroin in your rectum.
[Adam stares blankly at Agent Gilmore.]
Adam: You know what! Enough! Don’t tell me who I like!
[Adam walks off then turns back to Agent Gilmore.]
Adam: And don’t talk about my rectum.
[Agent Gilmore runs after Adam and passes by Owen.]
Agent Gilmore: Don’t walk away from me when I’m talking to you!
[Owen notices the whole exchange.]
Owen: Ugh! They’re such drama queens.
Episode 7
Owen: So, while Susan’s protecting Bobby Pants, who’s protecting Susan’s pants?
Adam: Owen, come on. That is no way to be talking about the woman I’m going to try to sleep with in Arizona.
[Both Adam and Owen exchange grins.]
[Adam walks up to the front desk to check out of the hotel.]
Adam: Hi. Checking out. Room 248. I, uh, think there may be a problem with my bill.
[Adam looks around in embarrassment.]
Hotel Clerk: One moment. [The clerk starts to print out Adam’s bill.] Printing.
[Adam stands there looking horrified when the clerk pulls out a long printout.]
Hotel Clerk: Well, we certainly gave that TV a workout, didn’t we?
[Just then Susan comes up behind and startles Adam.]
Susan: Is that what you did after I cancelled dinner?
Adam: What? No, no, no.
Susan: Spent all night cleaning out the mini bar.
Adam: Yes.
[Adam quickly covers up the bill so Susan can’t see it.]
Adam: You know what? There’s a line. [Adam turns around to the other people in line.] She’s not with me! I’m sorry.
Susan: Fine, I wasn’t cutting.
[Woman in line gives Susan a dirty look.]
Susan: I wasn’t. Geez.
Hotel Clerk: Okay, Mr. Sullivan. Let’s see. [Adam holds up his hand for the clerk to stop.]
You watched 1, 2, 3…9 films from our night grooves collection for an additional one hundred and thirty-five dollars.
Adam: You know. It’s a funny story. See, I turned on the preview, and I, uh, fell asleep watching.
Hotel Clerk: You know that’s not so much a funny story. It’s a pathetic story I’ve heard twenty thousand times before.
Adam: Could just take the charges off my bill?
Hotel Clerk: I’m sorry. It’s already been charged. [The clerk points at the bill.] Your Department of Justice credit card.
Adam: No, I’m sorry. Look, my boss gets these expense reports. What’s he going to say when I spent 9 of my 16 hours here in Arizona watching p.. [Adam looks around before lowering his voice.] porn.
Hotel Clerk: You’re a sad, lonely man with remarkable stamina.
[Clerk rings bell.]
Hotel Clerk: Next!
[Inside Adam’s office.]
Bobby: Adam, I just want you to know that I’ve made up my mind. You’re not mentioning the girdle.
Adam: Bobby, we have been over this. All right, if you did anything illegal in witness protection, no matter how small, it has to come out in court.
Bobby: Including that other thing?
Adam: What other thing?
Bobby: Back at the hotel when you encouraged me, a convicted extortionist, to take care of your little problem.
Adam: No, I didn’t say it like that! I said it like you can take care of it?!
[Bobby pulls out Adam’s hotel bill.]
Bobby: All I know is that I got a hotel bill here that says 9 hours of porn. You submitted a bill that says no porn. A suspicious mind could conclude that you asked me to threaten the hotel clerk to hide your smut addiction.
[Bobby puts the bill back in his suit jacket.]
Adam: Are you threatening me?
Bobby: Yeah, I’m threatening you. Cause if Susan and Jeffrey find out. Woo!
[Just then Susan and Jeffrey walk in and Adam whirls around.]
Bobby: Susan! Jeffrey!
Jeffrey: There’s my star witness! So, Sullivan, has Bobby been a good boy? Anything you need to tell me?
[Bobby is patting his suit jacket where he has the hotel bill.]
Adam: Uh, no. We… we’ve spent hours going over his testimony. He’s clean.
Jeffrey: Fantastic. He’s also in great shape. Bobby, since I last saw you, you look like you lost the old spare tire. You’ve been working out?
[Bobby smirks.]
Bobby: Not as much as Adam.
Episode 8
-At the Club
Adam: Okay, Operation RattleSusan is officially underway!
Ana: Okay, can you not talk that way? People here know me.
[Ana turns to the bartender.]
Ana: Hector, the usual.
Hector: Body shot it is!
Susan: What’s a body shot?
[Ana giggles.]
Ana: Oh, it’s something that Adam and I like to do.
Adam: Oh yeah. Oh yeah, all the time. [Adam, however, doesn’t know the meaning of a body shot.]
[Ana wipes his neck with an orange slice.]
Adam: What are you doing?
[Ana licks his neck, downs a drink, and eats the orange slice.]
Adam: Body Shot.
[Adam smiles at Susan then turns to whisper something to Ana.]
Adam: That is officially the hottest thing to happen to me in 5 months.
-In Adam and Owen’s apartment
Owen: So, you think Ana likes you?
Adam: Maybe. I don’t know. Maybe the kiss didn’t mean anything. You know. Maybe she was just caught up in the moment. Like when the Berlin Wall fell, I heard everyone was kissing everyone else pretty hard.
Owen: Okay, so, uh, we’re back to Susan who you’ve had a crush on for years.
Adam: Yeah, but she has a boyfriend, so maybe I’m just wasting my time.
Owen: Okay, so we’re back to Ana.
Adam: Yeah, but I work with her, and you know the old saying. Don’t fish off the company pier.
Owen: Can’t say that I do.
Adam: Oh, come on. Don’t dip your quill in the company ink.
Owen: Nope, you lost me.
Adam: All right! Don’t date anyone you work with!
Owen: I’m sorry! I have no idea what you’re talking about!
[Adam throws cereal at Owen.]
Owen: Okay, we have Ana and Susan. Well, if this were me, I’d get Susan and Ana to like each other and then throw the 3 of us a little party.
[Adam stares blankly while chewing on his cereal.]
Owen: But, this is you, so you have to pick one.
Adam: Wait. You get a 3-way, and I have to choose? That’s fair.
Owen: Don’t think of this as choosing. Think of it as looking inward and listening to your heart.
Adam: So, you’re saying… [Adam grins.]… pick the one that’s most likely to sleep with me.
Owen: And so the student becomes the master.
[Adam and Owen bow to each other.]
-The verdict has just been announced.
Adam: So, hey, as a team, we’re undefeated.
Ana: That’s true, but I’m also undefeated on my own. [chuckles] How are you doing?
Adam: As a team, I’m undefeated. [smiles]
Ana: Yeah, well you give me 10 more years of straight victories, and you are looking at the youngest Puerto Rican women judge from Queens on the bench.
Adam: I’d like to see that. 'Cause, I mean, I’ve already seen the oldest Puerto Rican judge from Queens. That’s not a pretty sight.
Ana: I’ll show you.
Adam: Yeah.
[Ana walks up to the judge’s bench.]
Adam: You’ve already got Judge Garcia beat. You’ve made it up the stairs on your own.
Ana: What do you think?
Adam: I don’t know. May I approach the bench?
Ana: You better approach the bench.
Adam: You realize we’re still flirting, and Susan’s not around.
Ana: I do.
[Adam walks up the steps and stands next to Ana by the Judge’s bench.]
Adam: You also realize that, uh, we kissed the other night, and we still haven’t said a word about it.
Ana: I do. What do you want to say?
Adam: I don’t know. Good kiss.
[Ana and Adam smile.]
Ana: It was a great kiss.
Adam: I thought the plan was to make Susan jealous and, you know, throw her off her game.
[Ana stands up.]
Ana: Well, maybe the plans have changed.
Adam: Maybe we should make new plans.
Ana: How about dinner?
Adam: How about we make dinner?
Ana: Your place?
Adam: Owen.
Ana: Ew.
Adam: Your place?
Ana: Queens.
Adam: You know. I’ll cook for 3.
Ana: [smiles] Okay.
[Just then someone walks in, and they scramble to hide except. Ana quickly ducks down, but Adam is left standing]
Adam: Oh, the judge.
[It turns out to be Susan.]
Susan: Adam!
Adam: Hey! Susan Rakoff! [Adam yells it rather loudly.]
Susan: Hey! Loud guy! What are you doing up there?
Adam: Oh, well I thought. I thought I saw the judge looking down your jacket, and I just wanted to make sure that he couldn’t see anything.
[Adam looks at Susan.]
Adam: No, nope, you’re good.
Susan: Have you seen my trial notebook?
Adam: No, uh, well, it’s not up here. I’ll help you look down there.
[Ana grabs Adam’s leg to stop him from leaving.]
Adam: I’ll stay up here. I’ll look from up here.
Susan: You know what. I really don’t even care.
Adam: You okay?
Susan: Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just, um, Joe and I are kind of having problems.
Adam: I’m sorry. What kind of problems?
[Adam looks surprised.]
Susan: I just dumped him. He’s already on his way back to L.A. for work.
Adam: I didn’t realize there was a war in Los Angeles.
Susan: [Between tears] He’s shooting a “Got Milk” Ad with Frankie Muniz.
[Adam grabs a tissue box and is about to step down from the bench when Ana grabs his leg again.]
Adam: Here, you just…
[Adam throws the box to Susan, and she catches it.]
Susan: Thanks. You know. I just… I have never felt so alone, which is weird considering I spent most of my relationship with Joe alone. Then I realized we’re really alone in the universe unless, of course, if you believe in God, and I don’t really know where I stand on that. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I really feel alone.
[Adam leans over and pats Susan on the shoulder.]
Adam: Sounds like you could use a shoulder tonight, huh?
Susan: You wanna grab a beer? Talk some more? You have a shoulder.
Adam: Oh, I…
Susan: Oh, right! You have plans.
Adam: Sorry.
[Suddenly, Ana jumps up from underneath the bench, and Susan looks shocked.]
Ana: Hey Rakoff! Do you wanna come along?
Susan: What the Hell are you doing up there?
Ana: No, it’s not as bad as it looks. I was just eavesdropping on your personal, private conversation.
Susan: You heard most of it. Would you care to hear the rest?
Ana: Yeah.
[Ana and Adam walk down from the judge’s bench.]
Susan: Why don’t you call Owen?
Adam: Why I can handle the two of you?
Ana: Oh, no you couldn’t.
[Ana and Susan slap palms. Both exit the courtroom and Adam is left standing there.]